Dear Sophie, Mommy is going back to work.

When we first met, I had an office job and shortly after you turned 5 months old, I was laid off.

And from there, you became my 9-5 (but really, my 24/7) along with our little t-shirt brand.

And it’s been a wild, fun ride.

There’s a strong debate these days on whether a person can “have it all” and I say yes, you can but you have to first define what “all” is to you.

Because it doesn’t look the same for everyone.

For me, life has always been fluid…constantly moving, evolving and never stagnant.

I have a career, I get married, I start a business, I have a baby, I go back to the career.

Fluid.

And that’s what I want you to take away from my life and into yours.

That it can be whatever you want it to be at any time.

No one defines it but you.

So I want to thank you for these past 3 years together and I wish us both the best in these upcoming years of your independence and my reemergence back into office life.

I am excited.

And really, we have to thank Daddy because without him and his constant support of both of us, none of this would be possible.

We are a team, the three of us.

I love you, dear Sophie.

Here’s a pic from one of our last days on the beach together on a Thursday afternoon.

Running like a person who knows nothing about a work week!

Awesome…

Tags: work 2

Before I had a kid, I thought children cursing was the funniest thing in the world.

It’s so wrong and so cute at the same time.

And the fact that you’re not supposed to say them only makes them that much more special and fun for kids to say so tiny voices gleefully yelling out profanities…hilarious in its absurdity.

So here I am today, reaping the effects of my childless karma as you have very recently dropped your first forbidden word on me.

That it’s one of my most used (and favorite) phrases was not lost on me as I stood there processing what you had just said.

The scenario as it played out:

Sophie playing in the living room (mumbling): I can’t do this.

Mommy: Can’t do what, honey?

Sophie ignoring Mommy (mumbling, more intensely): Hmmph! Why can’t I do this?

Mommy goes back to making coffee.

Sophie (mumbling but loud enough for Mommy to hear): Goddammit!

Mommy freezes.

Believe me when I say that this was definitely not my proudest parenting moment as the intonation and inflection of your voice sounded EXACTLY like mine in a stressed moment in traffic or that one time I stepped in dog shit (my other favorite curse word.)

Look, if you’re reading this, chances are you have heard every single bad word out there and are in fact, experimenting with them and probably have a favorite one yourself.

Or you’re the opposite of me and never let a curse word cross your lips (very ladylike, my dear!).

I never really heard my parents curse growing up but once I hit the 6th grade, I remember “asshole” and “shit” being thrown around even when we didn’t know how to properly use them and look at me today…sometimes I curse like a sailor but after this little incident, I definitely censor myself around certain company (old people and conservatives included).

So here’s how I handled it…instead of telling you never to say it, I apologized and told you that it was a “mommy word” that should never be used in front of you and that babies and little kids are not allowed to use them yet.

Because in this age of the Internet, there’s no point in hiding anything from you.

It’s all a mouse/phone/tablet click away so we’ll just discuss anything and everything (dear lord!) as it happens.

Instead, we found some proper “Sophie words” that would express the same exact feeling of anger and frustration appropriate for a toddler.

We settled on “Oh man!” and “Ah, nuts!” which you found to be hilarious as did I and in fact, this incident has become something of an inside joke with us because when you get frustrated now, you stop and say, “Mommy, we don’t use “mommy words”, we use “Sophie words” and we both yell, “AH, NUTS!!!”

Just as funny as the real thing.

I love you, dear Sophie.

Mommy is not perfect but she promises to always be honest with you.

Here you are quickly and impatiently climbing behind this slow poke up to the slide.

Breathe, be calm and please remember your “Sophie words.”

Tags: curse

Dear Sophie, you are officially in preschool.

And although we have been preparing for it all summer, it didn’t hit me until I dropped you off that you are really growing up and away from me.

On the third day I walked you in, told you I was leaving, you gave me a hug and said, “Bye!” and ran after your teacher, your little lunch bag slapping against your leg along the way.

I was so proud (and relieved!) that there were no tears or pleas for me to stay but as I walked to the car, I started to tear up and as I sat in the driver’s seat crying, memories of the last three years came flooding into my mind.

I still remember the curious look on your face as you gazed up at me seconds after leaving the womb and now I’ll remember the confident, hopeful look you gave me as you left to go have new adventures without me.

My independent girl…

I realize now that all the preparation was for me and not you because you have been ready for your freedom all along and perhaps I have not.

I love you, Soph…we had a good run as the inseparable duo.

But let’s not make this about me…you’re having a great time in preschool playing with new friends, listening to your teachers, building volcanoes and riding trucks.

You leave there very happy, very chatty and very tired.

All in all, a total success and easy transition into self-reliance.

Cheers to you, my big girl…it’s only the beginning.

Tags: preschool

Dear Sophie, I can’t believe you’re 3-years-old today.

We’ve come so far, haven’t we?

I could go on and on about how you were once a tiny baby and now you’re a big girl with opinions but I won’t.

All I’ll say is that I am so proud of the young lady you’re becoming and that I love you.

Here’s to 3.

So let’s celebrate the rest of this month with your first trip to Disneyland and a big party with your friends and family.

It’ll be one to remember (if you can at 3.  Don’t worry, I’ll take plenty of pictures).

But first things first…cupcakes.

Tags: birthday, three

Dear Sophie, you know I love summer.

Its sunshine, longer days and optimism get me every year.

And this one has been particularly good as I do not want it to end.

I haven’t felt this way since college where summer meant anything to me at all.

I know you’re thinking it’s because we moved to California and are able to swim and go to the beach anytime but this is not necessarily true because I lived out here in my 20′s, hardly went to the beach and didn’t feel any which way about the seasons and in fact, rarely noticed them (to be fair, it’s always 80 degrees and sunny in So-Cal).

No, this summer feels different because it will be the last one you and I have together as inseparable buddies.

Where you wake up in the morning declaring your love of “Califun” and proclaim, “Mommy, you’re my best friend.”

Yes, it’s been a magical time.

You’ll be off to preschool in the fall thus beginning your discovery of people your age who will make far better BFF’s than me.

And this makes me want to cling on to summer just a little while longer.

I love you and as much as I don’t want you to grow up, it’s happening.

So let’s enjoy these last long days running into the sunset, tan and carefree.

I’m right behind you…

Tags: summer 2

Sophie, watching you learn to swim has been one of the highlights of my summer.

It is the only time in my life I can remember feeling both pride and fear at the same time (something your dad pointed out) and this is something very unique to being a parent.

Because you know simultaneously how scary and fantastic life can be.

The first time you were submerged in the water, you came up shocked, disoriented and vowed never to do it again.

Before each swim lesson, you’ve repeated, “I don’t want to put my face in the water.”

And I hear you, dear Sophie.

I do.

But sometimes in life, we have to face our fears in order to conquer them.

I realize it’s the anticipation that’s the hardest for you but once you go under, I’ve never seen anyone happier and more satisfied once you come up.

In fact, it’s something you brag about for days afterwards.

Nothing in life worth having or doing comes easy…it all takes hard work, time and patience.

So we’ll get there on your time.

I’m proud of you.

Here you are at the beach ready to get into the water.

Baby, steps, baby steps…

Tags: swim

Someone once told me, dear Sophie, that this blog was too idyllic and romanticized motherhood without revealing its hardships.

To which I say, “duh.”

Of course motherhood is hard.

Just like saying swimming the English Channel is not easy, it would be the understatement of the year.

But I believe that life is what you make of it…it can be good or bad depending on your point of view.

So yes, being a parent is hard but the benefits are indescribable and bring such a completeness to my life that it’s hard to focus on the arduous parts of it.

It’s awesome.  What’s to complain about?

There will always be tough times but just around the corner are good times.

This is what makes us stronger as people.

Peaks and valleys.

And these days, I’d have to admit that we are in a valley (well, a rolling meadow).

You have become quite the challenge with your 3rd birthday fast approaching.

I’ve had more mothers than I can count tell me that it’s not 2-years-old that’s hard…it’s 3.

At this age you’re teetering on the verge of big kid status while hanging on to the cliff of babyhood ready to exert your independence but not quite sure how to do it.

You need me and don’t want me at the same time.

And it’s making life a little hard for your mama.

Up until now, it’s been fairly easy because you’ve always been a pretty good sleeper and very happy baby.

Lately, it’s all been turned upside down.

You’re phasing out the much coveted nap and waking up in the middle of the night scared and needing to pee.

And the tantrums.

Oh, the tantrums.

They can come out of nowhere but usually happens when you’re frustrated, tired and/or hungry or I am not listening to you.

(I get it.  I feel the same way.)

You stand there with your tiny little fists all balled up, body clenched and letting out the loudest scream you can muster until you are appeased.

It is enough to make a person hand over everything they’ve got just so you’ll stop.

Which is exactly what you’re trying to do but I can’t let you do because someone needs to save you from yourself.

You’ll appreciate “no” someday.

Until then, we’ve gotten pretty good at the time-out routine, haven’t we?

I say all of this to you not so you’ll feel bad about giving me a hard time ( but maybe you’ll think twice before you sass me…) but so you’ll realize that having children is hard and you should wait until you’re ready to give all of yourself to a mini-me looking to you to navigate this big, bad world.

I love you, Sophie.

Every single stubborn, funny, frustrating, amazing part of you.

Here you are facing your biggest challenge of the day, hauling water from one bucket to another.

Must be nice…I see no screaming involved.

Tags: challenge

Yes we do, Sophie.

Yes we do.

Happy Father’s Day to one of the greatest.

Tags: father's day 3

Dear Sophie, we made it!

We are now Californians (again for some of us).

I hope you enjoy growing up in the sand, surf and amongst the palm trees because I sure did miss it.

Here you are burying your feet in our first trip to the beach since landing.

Get used to it because we’re here to stay…

Tags: la 2

Dear Sophie, we’re moving again.

In your short life, you have lived in New York (where you were born), Colorado (where you learned to walk) and now we’re going to California (where you’ll be attending preschool for the first time).

More specifically, we’re moving to L.A.

Now, I know what I said about it.

It can be a harsh place to live if you’re not careful (as you’ll find with any big city) but it can be a great place to grow up if you are.

When I was a kid, I always wanted to live in California (and New York!) so I’m jealous of your nearly 3-year-old self.

I moved to L.A. as a young lady with stars in my eyes and now I’m going back an older lady, wiser and more cautious.

I have no doubt that this is the best thing for all of us.

Having lived in the south, the Midwest, both east and west coast, I have to say that the west is definitely my favorite.

Sometimes you have to leave to appreciate going back.

And as your dad says, “We’re California people.”

(I can tentatively say for now we’re staying put in Cali but Paris, Hawaii or Australia seem like awesome places to live as well so never say never…)

But for you, this will be your first time living in the land of sunshine and palm trees.

I’ve been preparing you for the move by telling you we’ll be able to go to the beach whenever we want and you’ve responded by wearing your bathing suit to bed and asking every morning, “NOW can we go to the beach?”

Soon enough, my dear.

Soon enough.

Here you are last year experiencing L.A. beaches for the first time.

I can tell you’re totally hooked, you California girl.

That has a nice ring to it…

Tags: move 2